July 2015 Archives

Ω Drawer: The EULA

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If you never thought that something as simple as a drawer needed an End User License Agreement, well, you’d be wrong.

We have a broken drawer at work. Somebody (ahem, cough) put up a EULA in place of the hand-scribbled “CAUTION” sign. Here it is:

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and here’s what it says:

CAUTION

BEFORE USING THIS DRAWER, YOU MUST READ AND ACCEPT THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS. PLEASE READ THEM CAREFULLY.

End User License Agreement

By using this drawer, you accept the terms and conditions of the following license. Please read these terms and conditions carefully. If you do not accept these terms and conditions, you may use a plastic utensil from another cabinet.

DEFINITIONS: Throughout this license agreement, we will refer to Bloomy Controls, Inc., an incorporated company of Windsor, Connecticut, as “we” and “us.” We will refer to the end user of this drawer as “you” and “user.” We will refer to the drawer as “drawer” or “cabinetry.”

TERMS AND CONDITIONS: By using this drawer, you agree to hold harmless and indemnify us, Bloomy Controls, Inc., from all damages, liabilities, suffering, pain, torture, and/or spasms caused by intense laughter upon reading these terms and conditions or by using this cabinetry. You furthermore agree to be very careful, because those are some sharp stinkin’ staples over there. I mean, seriously! You could really hurt yourself on one of them. It is interesting to note that staples would have never been used in cabinetry of yesteryear. They’d have been dovetailed and would be just about indestructible. By “yesteryear,” we mean something like 1930 and not 1980, because even though 1980 was fairly long time ago—probably before most of you “users” were even born—particle board and staples were already in widespread use[citation needed]. Maybe your parents weren’t even born yet. Hard to know, really. This is, after all, an End User License Agreement and not a crystal ball. Anyway, we digress.

If you accept these terms and conditions, you may use this drawer on exactly one kitchen counter. You may not possess, reverse engineer, disassemble, or reinstall the drawer on any other kitchen counter. This license does allow you to fix the drawer if you are properly qualified to do so. If you are not properly qualified to do so, good. You weren’t hired to be a carpenter. But if you are properly qualified to do so, then please don’t spend your time fixing it—go program or write software or engineer stuff or be accountants and administrators and stuff. But enjoy your lunch. Carefully. Please.

(x) By eating my lunch and enjoying it, I accept these terms and conditions.

Ω #StopTheLabels

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I think the biggest problem (OK, a biggest problem, because, why not?) is labels. I’m conservative. You’re Liberal. I’m black. You’re White. When labeling progresses from lower-case adjectives to upper-case adjectives, we lose our ability to be more complex in the minds of others. We lose the nuances associated with our character and get lumped in with all the Other People of That Group. As a result, the Politicians go nuts, the Media fan the flames, and We the People all get consumed by the Internet as if we were nothing but cookie cutter examples of People of That Group.

I’m a very complicated person, and you are, too.

So don’t hesitate to read a Liberal’s liberal opinion or a Conservative’s conservative opinion or a Hater’s racist opinion or a Hippie’s pot-enhanced opinion and give it some thought. It will hurt. It will offend. It will stretch your mind. It may reinforce your own position as a People of That Group. Or it may not. But you’ll never know if you don’t try.

As you encounter these diverse opinions, stop labeling the people whose opinions they are. They are no more a one-facet person of That Group than you are of This Group. Stop assuming that Christians all do this or that Athiests all do that. And even though I know you’ll all go to hell (do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to hell) and you’re all sure I’m a right-wing Bible-thumping Neanderthal, I will hear your position as a People of That Group and I will respect you for trying to change my mind, as you should respect me for trying to change yours. Don’t be offended when I express my opinion, and I’ll not be offended when you express yours. Or be offended. That’s OK, too.

Disagree. Argue. Discuss. Try to change my mind—proselytize. Let’s do this. Respect those who believe in their cause enough to do so, because in this day and age of Instanity (the craziness of instancy) having an opinion and being willing to express it, especially if it rows against the tide of Label-Fed Opinion, is suicidal, heretical, career-ending. It’s risky stuff.

But don’t cry and scream “Hater!” or “Christian!” or “Hippie!” or “Label!” because you don’t succeed in changing the mind of the hater, the zealot, the other human. The moment you label, you just lost the argument, just like turning the board over when the game’s not going your way, and you just lost the respect of the Person of the Other Group and pushed them further into the Other Group—right where you want them so you can yell and scream at them some more. Once you fall into this level of “discourse,” it’s a vicious circle, you see. It only gets worse from here. And your opinion, no matter how important in the cause of The Group, was instantly discounted and put out to the mental curb with yesterday’s grass clippings (though, really, shouldn’t you be composting?).

You’re just adding to the noise.

So much noise. Such little content.

I’m lookin’ straight at you, media talking heads, Internet celebrities, church leaders, loud-mouthed and quiet-mouthed, scripted and unscripted politicians alike, and even justices of the highest court of the land.

I’m lookin’ at you, Internet commenter.

And I’m lookin’ in the mirror, right back at me, too.

Stop it with the Labels. Enough is enough.

#StopTheLabels