Things I'd Like to Hear Tim Cook Say Today

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“$100 billion is a lot of money. It’s so much money that we have decided to give everybody in the U.S. an iPod Touch. Nah. Just kidding.

“It’s so much money we could give every Apple employee about $6 million and close the company down. Ha! That’s a good one. Still just kidding.

“It’s so much money that we have decided to move all of our manufacturing capacity back into the United States. We intend to slowly transition the manufacturing from manual workers to robots where possible and intend to form a new school specifically for the training of the workers who will program and maintain them. We will also be teaching engineers at this school how to design for manufacturability using domestic labor, skillsets and robots.

And any company can send students to our school. This step will help them move their production back to the United States, too.

“We expect that this dividend will be far more substantial in value than a one-time cash gift to our already-on-paper-richer-than-God shareholders.

“Thank you, and have a nice day.”

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