April 2008 Archives

Article here.

Another take:

At first, I laughed. How can a 15-year-old possibly have enough memories to write a memoir?

But then I remembered how little I remember from when I was 15 (and 14 and 13 and 12)…

I guess if I wanted to capitalize on my rise to stardom at that age, I’d have to have written it then, too.

Unless it had been so thoroughly documented by the press, of course,.

Unconventional Thinking

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If I were John McCain, right about now I’d be thinking along these lines:

How much is it worth to me to have a Republican National Convention?

The Democrats are going to blow a lot of money on their convention, but they have to have a final showdown, apparently.

On the other hand, I’m the frontrunner… nah, I may as well go ahead and say it… I’m the Republican nominee for President. Why do I need a convention?

What if I said, Aw, screw it, let’s give the money to a worthwhile cause, like housing, homelessness, education… education! There’s a good one!

Now how much is that worth in good publicity? Can I have a “virtual convention” somehow? Use the Intertubes to save the party—and the country—some significant bucks?

Or maybe that’s not what I’d be thinking if I were John McCain. But you never know.

Article here.

Another take:

Wonder how I missed this one?

Oh, that’s right. I was actually using my Macintosh instead of screwing around with Vista on a pee cee.

Article here.

Another take: Move along, people, still nothing to see here.

Article here.

Another take:

Note to normal-sounding smart kid Ryan Schallenberger:

We all hated the rich guys with the good-looking girlfriends. We hated how they seem to have everything handed to them on a silver platter. We hated how they wore their letter jackets around school and “their type” made fun of “our type.” We hated how their B’s in “regular” classes weren’t as hard for them to “earn” as our B’s in our AP classes. Hell, we even hated how C’s for them were acceptable. We hated everything about them.

But we didn’t blow them up.

Why not?

Anticipation.

At your 20 year reunion, when you’ve used all that awesome grey matter between your ears to invent the “next big thing” or work for that Fortune 500 company or make a name for yourself in the journals or heck, even become just the best father you can be while watching your kids grow up and become smart and make you proud, you can look down your nose and realize that you made it to where you got, that you didn’t have Daddy’s Corvette to impress the girls (your beautiful wife, who happens to be a wonderful, caring and superb mother and, say, doctor, chose you based on your merits alone because you moved away from the shelter of Mommy and Daddy), and that you didn’t need to show them up in high school.

Wait for it.

Your revenge will come later, my friend. Much later. But, like many things in life, it’s really, really worth waiting for.

It’s so worth it to hear them say that they took over Daddy’s business and married the girl they’d always been dating since high-school. (Boooorrrring. Though some turn out to be very bright and smart, you’d be amazed at the number of “girl geeks” out there who are looking for their intellectual playmates and, while they may not look HAWT right now, they do grow out of the same teenagerhood that you will grow out of , and then they become SUPERNOVA HAWT.) Or got their real estate license and, my God! what color jacket is that they’re wearing? Is it really green? Sweet as it sounds, most of them don’t grow a whole lot between then and now, and, despite beliefs to the contrary, there really are greener pastures elsewhere. But you won’t find that pasture unless (a) you go looking and (b) you’re not in jail.

Oh, sure, some of them will “make it” big and it’ll really piss you off at the reunion. And some of them won’t make it so big and will do the whole real-estate/married the cute girl from class thing, and it’ll be just fine with them, and even with you. Others? Others will do the whole (insert crappy future thing here) and you and your brood will go back to your hotel or to Mom and Dad’s and laugh. And laugh. And laugh a little more. Because you thought that being rich and popular would mean guaranteed success in the world.

Friend, you’re in high school. The only thing that guarantees you anything in life is… well, there’s nothing except (pardon this faith-based bit of knowledge) believing in what you read in your Bible. There are some good guarantees in there, by the way. Some that apply to you for later (check out that Jesus Christ guy) and some that apply to you right now. Try this one: “‘Vengeance is mine; I will repay,’ saith the Lord.” (Deuteronomy as loosely paraphrased by Paul). (I recommend using BibleGateway.com to find this stuff.) Let Him take care things for you. He’s a good God and He’ll do what He can.

And, oh, by the way, avoid getting on His bad side, you know, like by plotting to blow up things and killing people and stuff.

Don’t screw up your chances of getting “there” by doing something stupid like admiring some losers in Columbine and other places.

Trust me. It’s worth the wait.

Hmm.

It’s OK to raid a ranch in Texas to remove a large number of children from harm’s way. That’s a good thing.

It’s OK to raid a bakery to remove weapons and criminals to clean up an area of town. That, too, is a good thing.

It’s OK to invade some countries because they have nasty, evil dictators who are killing people just because they’re “different”. This is a really good thing.

But…

It’s not OK to invade a country because it has a nasty, evil dictator who is killing people just because they’re “different.”

It’s not OK to invade a country to remove weapons and criminals to clean up a region of the world.

It’s not OK to invade a country because it has weapons which could be used against American citizens.

So, this much I can conclude:

The liberal way of thinking is selfish and closed-minded, in spite of claims to the contrary. If it affects non-Americans (read “people who aren’t like us”) directly, it’s not OK. If it affects Americans (read “voters”) directly, it’s OK.

Article here.

Another take:

Or, perhaps this: “Is ‘Idol’ Overhyped? Overpromoted? Overcooked? Watched by too many brain-dead Americans?

Justice ends the holiday

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Article here.

Another take:

I think the guys on death row will be so pleased to hear that they’ve been on “holiday.”

Of course, returning from their “holiday” sucks a bit more than when I go back to work.

Article here.

Another take:

Um, yeah, tell me something I don’t know. And yet voters still don’t understand that Bear Sterns wasn’t a bailout of a financial institution, it was a bailout of a huge part of the American economy. (Including the pensions of those Democratic voters.)

I was driving over… oh, nevermind… I was listening to NPR’s All Things Considered this evening and heard the news at the top of the hour. Some senator, whose name I don’t remember, was blaming the “war” in Iraq for the shambles that is the US economy.

Aside from being untrue (see this answer to a reader’s question), he gave examples of Screwedupian Economics which included these gems loosely paraphrased: “If we weren’t spending money in Iraq, then we could spend money on education and roads” and “The whole Iraq war is corrupt and scandal-ridden.”

So… let’s review: the “war” in Iraq is responsible for an economic disaster in the US, so instead of spending money on troops (money in American pockets), contractors (money in American pockets), supplies (money in American pockets), and improvements to the Iraqi infrastructure (OK, I’ll grant you that one), we should be spending the money in America where… the money ends up in American pockets.

The worst part about it is that that bastion of liberal, left-leaning kvetching that is NPR fell for it, hook, line and sinker. Instead of reporting and using audio excerpts that indicate that this senator knows how our economy may or may not be related to the money we’re spending in Iraq, they used quotes that clearly don’t support his thesis.

It would be like my saying, “I think the sky is blue. The sky is blue because the wavelength of light which blah blah. By the way, my kids think horses like blue skies,” and having NPR report that I said that the sky is blue and that horses like blue skies.

Sometimes, they just make me so mad.

Update: This made me feel better. It’s all of the hosts’ breathing from one hour of NPR.

Article here.

Another take:

Hmmm.

“eliminate (-tion): (physiological) expel (waste matter) from the body”

“shocking elimination” Snicker…

Article here.

Another take:

Do the words “critical mass” mean anything to you?

The Contrarian Liberal Mindset

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Let me see if I have this straight.

We must leave Iraq so that the Iraqis will learn to take responsibility for their own problems.

Aaaand…

We must support welfare families, provide education to prisoners, bail out foreclosures, socialize medicine, subsidize farmers and regulate everything under the sun… in the United States… so that Americans can take responsibility for their own problems.

Huh?

Only 24.

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24

(Thanks for pointing this out, Rachel.)

Only 24.

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24

Article here.

Another take:

Oh, goody. Another system for hackers to attack.

Nothing like a few joke “The Chinese are coming!” messages to really enhance our nation’s productivity.

Article here.

Another take:

…and just 2 minutes of telling your kids to Clean up those clothes! is enough to cancel out the boost.

Article here.

Another take:

Headlines of tomorrow:

“University pulls grant after top scientist caught doping”

“Patent rejected when examiner finds traces of Ritalin on application”

“University professor fails golden flow test; loses big office with windows to junior faculty member”

Article here.

Another take:

Despite the delay, Tiger’s so good that he’s still ahead.

Article here.

Another take:

Better safe than really safe than extremely safe than than getting caught by the FAA.

Article here.

Another take:

I don’t get it: why did this woman only get a $75 ticket for apparently alarming or disturbing her neighbor? It was obviously a hate crime.

(OK, let’s see… kids in a tree… check… swinging around, playing… check… probably being noisy… check. Where else have I seen activity like that…? Hmmm… Oh! In the koala exhibit! She should have called them marsupials!

Apparently, these neighbors have never been to a zoo.)

Article here.

Another take:

Scandal rolls off the Clintons’ backs as easily as Whitewater rolls off a duck’s back.

Article here.

Another take:

Or I shall taunt you a second time!

Article here.

Another take:

Clinton's ethics summarized: Conflict of interest, resign. Lie Misspeak, keep on runnin'.

Article here.

Another take: Ah ha! Now we know how to motivate the French: Try to run peacefully through Paris with fire on a stick!

(Don’t expect any reaction from them if you threaten them with terrorism, though.)

Article here.

Another take: I’m not even sure why Mugabe even bothered with the farce of elections. He should have just had his rivals “runoff” and saved us all a lot of bother.

Article here.

Another take: Don’t miss the investors list of the Burkle Firm, especially the ruler of Dubai, Sheikh Mohammed Bin Rashid al-Maktoum. Fear not, though, Billary supporters! Somebody on staff will certainly come up with a question about a definition, a blatant lie, or something misspoken to explain it.

Article here.

Another take: Oh, the irony! Aside from the fact that they look nothing alike, who’s going to confuse an initiative/city with a computer/entertainment company?

Steve, call off the lawyers. You’re being ridiculous.

Article here.

Another take: Thank goodness! I was really getting tired of all those trips to the bathroom.

Article here.

Another take: Sorry, but it’s almost impossible for me to suppress a snicker when I hear his name… “Putin…” And today, Putin’s taking a softer tone… heh.

But the picture is priceless. “I’ve got a headache this big, and it has Excedrin written all over it.”

http://img.iht.com/images/2008/04/04/04putin550.jpg

Article here.

Another take: Good news! Oregonians can look forward to casinos, too!

Article here.

Another take: Out test driving a “new car?” A “new” Fiat whose brakes don’t work? Now that’s comedy…

Article here.

Another take: Weird. My mind reads this as “Shelby, Dodge Ford…” and I wonder just what kind of car headline it is.

Article here.

Another take: Wow, is she intense or what?

(Good for her, and us!)

Article here.

Another take: Interesting that they felt the need to mention “drunken”—any kind of intruder would startle me, you know.

(Rachel would advocate shooting him. I have to agree.)

Article here.

Another take: Hey! No news is good news, right?

Article here.

Another take: Great! Let’s all go out and buy one, just in case we… Heyyyyy, waaait a minute!

Thank goodness for the media! We can always trust it to give us the straight story!

Article here.

Another take: Great! Let’s all go out and buy one just in case we have to reboot Grandpa!

Article here.

Another take: Yeah, because we don’t set the price of gas at the pumps… oh, wait… we do…

(Actually, read the article and decide for yourselves. I kinda’ side with Big Oil on this one.)

Article here.

Another take: Because when it comes times to negotiate with producers, there’s nothing that demonstrates unity quite as well as pouting in separate corners.