As I was stopped at an eternal red light on my way to work the other morning, I saw two kids in the distance. They’d stoop to pick up something and then hurl it at each other.
In my mind, I flashed back to being about 8 years old, and I was instantly aghast that I was witnessing kid vs. kid cruelty, the kind I could identify with. Emerson and Charlie and I would throw pecans and other tree droppings at each other. It was great fun… for them. I threw… let’s just say they had nothing to fear.
Pretty soon, I drove past them and saw what they were really up to. They were picking up balls and were on opposite sides of a fence. They launched the balls at minor-league pitcher speeds at the fence with the intention of getting the ball stuck in the fence, and I saw one stick in the fence. Success!
What I witnessed transformed itself from cruelty to unbridled joy, the kind of joy that I don’t think I’ve felt since I was a kid.
And I was jealous.
TOLLAND VILLAGE PROJECT FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ("FAQs")
Last updated April 23, 2016
What is the name of the proposed development and what is its purpose?
The proposed name of the development is "The Tolland Village Project."
Its purpose is:
- to provide a place for residents from many walks of life to enjoy Tolland and to contribute to our community
- to be an attractive, efficient part of Tolland, with New England-style architecture and green, energy-efficient buildings
- to provide amenities such as a hotel, a premier restaurant, and a variety of small retail establishments
- to allow residents to live with fewer vehicles to maintain and clog our roads
- to answer a need for higher-density housing in a location which does not impact the rural nature of Tolland.
Why have we heard different names (i.e. University Gateway Village, etc.)?
The zoning area in Tolland's regulations is "Tolland Village Area" or "TVA." This doesn't change unless PZC votes to change it.
The developer has shown visuals and used the phrase "University Gateway Village" or "UGV." At this point, he has not submitted an application for development so the name is not decided. He is very open to and wants to hear feedback from Tolland residents.
What is the timeline for the proposed development?
If the various approvals, studies, engineering, and environmental processes go smoothly, the project could break ground in mid- to late-2017 and would be complete in about three years.
What is the mix of residential and commercial space proposed for the development?
The proposed development consists of:
Apartments (67 studio, 112 1-bedroom, 155 2-bedroom, 35 3-bedroom)
20,000 square feet of small retail
50,000 square feet for a hotel
4,000 square feet for a restaurant
What are the proposed apartments going to cost to rent per month?
Rent ranges from about $1,100 to $2,000 for studio, 1-, 2- and 3-bedroom apartments.
How will the proposed development be integrated with UConn?
Other than providing shuttle service to and from the UConn campus, there is no relationship with UConn.
Why was Tolland chosen for it?
In a word, location.
Tolland sits at the crossroads of I-84 and Route 195, so it's convenient for people living in the TVA to commute to both Hartford, Storrs and other towns. It's also in a place where people can simply walk or cycle to future businesses in the Technology Campus Zone.
Did Tolland solicit this proposed development or is it driven by outside parties?
The Town did not solicit this proposal, though the Town has encouraged development proposals for this area for at least ten years.
Why is the Tolland Village Area a good site for this proposed development?
For several reasons.
Because it's commercially-zoned and is served by both sewer and water. This helps support more housing.
Because Tolland needs a greater variety of homes--by law--which means apartments or small townhomes. There are very few properties which can support commercial development, and this is one of them. By putting more available homes here, we're reducing the need to do so in the rest of town.
Because it isn't historically significant or particularly rural. Placing development in other parts of town would ruin the rural nature of the other parts of town which are historical or rural.
What brand of hotel is proposed?
The developer has indicated that Hilton has proposed the ultra-modern Trü-brand hotel. However, he's also said that other hotel brands, including Marriott, are still interested, and that he's heard the feedback that such a modern hotel would not be acceptable to Tolland residents.
What retail stores and restaurants are proposed?
The developer has not engaged with a restauranteur or retailers because the hotel and housing are much more important to ensuring the long-term success of the development. The developer thinks that small stores (coffee shop, deli, specialty sports items, etc.) and offices (medical or professional) operated by Tolland residents will make up the retail stores. Restaurants being considered are Burton's, Gino's, and others.
Does this development include anything on the other side of Merrow Road, behind the Dunkin' Donuts and Gulf station?
How does a development of this nature in the TVA impact other development sites in Tolland, or other existing retail for that matter?
As proposed, the TVA development brings in two anchors: housing and a hotel. These serve to support the restaurant and retail components of the site. Further, they act as a catalyst for additional development in the TVA on the other side of Merrow Road and add a much-needed boost to other retail goods and services already operating in the area.
What is a Zip Car?
"Zip Car" is a brand name, short-term hourly car rental service. They are standard vehicles which accept car seats for kids and have the usual features we expect in modern cars. They accommodate the needs of people who don't need to own a car but have the occasional need to travel farther than a bicycle or walking can carry them.
What are the development's phases?
The proposed development would occur in three phases.
Phase 1 is the creation of the infrastructure, such as securing environmental controls, moving dirt and rocks, and building drainage, roadways, utilities, and the intersection with Merrow and Cider Mill Roads.
Phase 2 is the first phase where buildings would start to appear, including the building on Merrow Road, the hotel, the transportation center, restaurant and as much of the housing element as early market demand drives.
Phase 3 is that last phase of building and would be when the last residential buildings, nearest Cider Mill Road, would be built.
BENEFITS TO TOLLAND RESIDENTS
How does this development fit into the town's long term strategic plan and vision?
The Town's zoning regulations state that the TVA is to implement the Town's Plan of Conservation and Development, enhance the gateway to the historic Tolland Green and preserve the nature of nearby areas, expand opportunities for economic development and housing in a mixed-use manner for the benefit of stakeholders and the Town, transition use and density between the Green and I-84, and allow for progressively more intensive development in the TVA as it approaches Interstate 84.
Whether it meets most or all of these purposes is subject to a wide variety of opinions, but the Economic Development Commission feels that it meets enough of them to say that the development fulfils the Town's long-term strategic vision and plan.
What is the total of tax revenues to be received if both sides of Route 195 in the TVA are as densely developed as proposed?
The probable tax revenue impact of the proposed development is approximately $2.5 million when fully developed. If something of similar taxable value were to be built across the street, then the impact could be closer to $5 million. Tax revenues could go higher still as this project serves as a catalyst for other development activities in town.
Will the new amenities, food service and retail in the proposed development be open to everybody?
Yes, the village community is open to everybody, whether it is the added specialty retail, the boardwalk or trails in and around the marsh, or the community amenities offered by the hotel. It is a Tolland resource and asset that we may all make use of.
I've heard the phrase "live, work, play" several times. What does that mean?
A place where residents are encouraged to not only live, but also work and play. Why commute to Hartford or elsewhere when you can get what you need and want much closer to home? With the right mix of retail, housing and commercial development, residents will be in the enviable position of working locally, accessing desired amenities locally and being able to enjoy Tolland's natural resources, all within Tolland's borders.
How will this proposed development create economic growth in Tolland?
Three words--Live, Work, Play--describe the path for economic growth in Tolland, and this development plays an essential role in that path.
Live: Making housing available to people of all walks of life is key to growing Tolland's economy. Adult children of Tolland residents can afford to make their homes in Tolland, as can seniors who are looking to downsize. People who wouldn't ordinarily want to buy a house, such as new faculty who haven't achieved tenure status, can make their homes here. This development answers their needs by providing a place for them to live--and keep their money in Tolland.
Work: People who live in Tolland need places to work, and a higher concentration of people near the Technology Campus Zone means that there are going to be businesses interested in Tolland. The Travelers, for example, has expressed interest in opening offices in Tolland's Technology Campus Zone because the TVA is attractive for this very reason.
Play: Residents of Tolland who spend less on transportation and housing have more money to spend on other things, including at restaurants and in shops, spurring growth in retail, restaurants, and professional services, such as doctors and dentists.
None of this will happen overnight, of course, but we must start somewhere, and this development is a great way to begin.
How will this proposed development affect existing Tolland businesses?
There are some obvious positive effects caused by a having a population close to retail and restaurants. Nearby businesses will be able to market to more people who are within walking distance of their establishments, and hotel residents will require restaurants and occasional retail therapy.
Businesses which provide maintenance, construction, landscaping, etc., will also benefit from the presence of a new, large customer.
Current home-based businesses may even find that the retail spaces offered in this development are small enough to provide an affordable stepping stone to a larger space.
What about telecommuters?
For those people who telecommute, the developer plans co-working space in a business incubator style where desks and conference rooms are available as needed.
Why is this proposed development good for Tolland? What are its benefits?
This development benefits Tolland in many ways. For example, it answers the legal requirement to provide more variety in housing stock in a sensible and responsible way without affecting other parts of town. It also will provide anywhere from $1,500,000 to $2,500,000 per year in tax revenue. It may provide more students for our school system, which can make the system more efficient. It may also provide a more-varied population of residents and students, which is important for a well-rounded population.
As explained in another answer, it's also a stepping stone to economic growth in Tolland.
Will the developer pay any permit fees?
Yes. For a project of this size (assuming it is approved as conceptualized) permit fees will be substantial--at least $1,000,000.
Assuming the Town Council approves the fullest abatement possible, how much in tax revenue will be collected?
If the full abatement is approved, taxes will be collected during construction. When the certificate of occupancy is issued for a phase, the abatement begins. Three years later, the developer begins paying taxes gradually each year. Seven years after the certificate of occupancy is issued, the full taxes are due.
Assuming the full abatement is approved to the greatest benefit of the developer, and assuming construction takes three years, taxes collected will be approximately:
Years 1-3: estimated at an average of $750,000 per year
Occupancy and Abatement Phase:
(The abatement does not affect the residents who pay full taxes on personal property and motor vehicles during this period.)
Years 1-3: $0 per year
Year 4: $500,000
Year 5: $1,000,000
Year 6: $1,500,000
Year 7: $2,000,000
Full Tax Phase:
$2,500,000 per year
How does this project both take advantage of and help reduce current UCONN traffic on Route 195?
The developer proposes to provide shuttle service to UConn. Also, its close proximity to the the State's commuter bus service allows residents to commute without increasing traffic on I-84.
Why should Tolland residents concern themselves with economic growth in town?
Economic growth in Tolland is extremely important given the stagnant nature of Connecticut's economy and the state of the State's budget. It is highly unlikely that Tolland will emerge unscathed from the next few years of Connecticut's state-level budget cuts. If we want to keep our services (think education, trash collection, etc.) the same, we will be required to raise taxes. If we want to keep our property taxes the same, then we'll have to cut services.
The only way to maintain services and keep property taxes in check is going to be to allow developers and companies to build more taxable properties. This development is one such example which makes highly-effective use of available space, eventually returning around $2,000,000 in taxes per year to the town.
How does economic growth work in general?
Unfortunately, that's an answer that stretches several pages long on Wikipedia. Have a look at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Economic_growth.
How will the proposed development be similar to Storrs Center near UConn or Blue Back Square in West Hartford?
It will resemble both in that both are a mix of residential and retail in a small-ish area. However, Storrs Center has a distinct "university feel" to it given the nature of its occupants, and Blue Back Square has a distinctly modern feel to it, with tall, brick buildings. This development will be styled more like a tall New England village, reflecting the traditional nature of the area.
What can a Tolland resident do to show support for this project?
Whether you're for or against the project, you should attend all of the public hearings regarding it and should not be afraid to voice your opinions.
CONCERNS OF TOLLAND RESIDENTS
Can Tolland support a hotel?
Yes. Extensive studies by the developer support a hotel at this location, even without UConn's close proximity.
How can Tolland support a hotel if the one at UConn already failed?
That hotel, the Nathan Hale, did not fail and was serving UConn's on-campus hospitality needs before UConn bought it to convert it to undergraduate student housing.
The developers have done a $20,000 feasibility study showing viability for a limited-service hotel of 100 rooms is economically sound, one which draws on and benefits from both I-84 traffic and increased activity in the area, including UConn. The Nathan Hale hotel on the UConn campus had little visibility and did not draw on I-84 traffic. And over time, due to the demand for undergraduate housing on the UConn campus, the top two floors of the hotel were rented by UConn to supplement student housing needs in South Campus.
We have empty retail space in town now. Why do we need more?
If you look at the retail space we have in town, you'll notice that none of it is within reasonable walking distance of a large part of the town's population. You'll also notice that the spaces that we have available are quite large--if you wanted to open a small shop with a storefront, you'd have very few choices available to you. As a result, this type of retail is completely missing from Tolland's amenities, a shortcoming which is addressed by this development.
Is UConn proposing this development?
No. UConn is not a part of the development. However, people who work and learn at UConn will definitely be served by the development and will provide some highly-qualified tenants and neighbors for Tolland.
What tax incentives will Tolland be expected to provide to the project? When will the town start collecting tax revenue from the proposed development?
The Town Council has to approve the tax abatement program (also called a tax incentive program) after an application is received by the Planning and Zoning Commission, and if the project gets that far, it's quite likely that it would do so. So let's assume that the full amount of abatement is approved.
If so, then the property taxes are waived for the first three years after the certificate of occupancy is issued. In year 4, the developer pays 20% of the taxes due. In year 5, the developer pays 40%. Year 6, 60%. Year 7, 80%. And in years 8+, 100%
Does the developer own all the land required to make this project a reality?
No. A 7 acre parcel owned by the Town is necessary to implement the full development. The Town has a vested interest in ensuring this parcel is part of the development because it will (a) allow the development to connect to Cider Mill Road which enhances the flow of traffic between Cider Mill and Merrow Roads and (b) substantially increase the tax revenues from the added buildings on that parcel.
What if I do not like the development as currently proposed?
Landowners in the TVA have a right to develop their property to the fullest extent of the TVA regulations.
This development, however, has a lot that has to go right in order to make it happen. First, the developer needs zoning changes to achieve the density of housing required to make the development financially feasible. Second, the developer needs a parcel of Town-owned land (addressed in another answer). Third, the developer needs approval of the area and site plans. Finally, the developer needs approval of the tax abatement.
None of these steps is a "sure thing."
Why this developer? Why this plan?
Basically because this developer is the first one to conceive of a plan which is financially viable. Properties in the TVA have been available for decades, the TVA regulations have been around for years, and yet developers haven't flocked to Tolland. This developer, on the other hand, is the first one to show serious interest and commitment to both the project and the community. So while somebody else might be clever enough to propose something better--or even much worse--for these properties, we couldn't know unless that proposal came forward instead.
What about impact on town infrastructure and services such as schools, roads, water, sewer, police and fire?
Let's take these categories one at a time. (All of the impacts outlined below are estimated, if an estimate is even possible.)
Schools: The developer estimates about 75 students will be added to Tolland's school district. If we look to the literature, a study by Mark Obrinsky and Debra Stein of the Joint Center for Housing Studies of Harvard University states that students add about 29 students per 100 apartments. Interestingly, in single-family, owner-occupied housing, that number is 51 students per 100 houses, so this development may be less fiscally impactful than a similar number of houses or townhomes. Statistically, the effect on Tolland's schools would be to add eight students into each of the 13 grades served (Pre-K to 12). At current enrollments and current class sizes, this averages out to be less than one student per classroom. (Note: These are estimates which have not been endorsed by the Tolland Public Schools or the Board of Education.)
Traffic: While Obrinsky and Stein also give figures for traffic volumes, estimating that the apartments would cause anywhere from 198 to 241 cars entering or exiting the development during peak hours, this is a development whose focus is on sharing cars and mass transit. These numbers may be insignificant compared to the 10,000 cars which go through the Green each day. Only a traffic study will reveal the likely impact.
Roads: The intersection where this development will connect to Merrow Road will require a traffic signal to be installed at the expense of the developer and in cooperation with the state's Department of Transportation. The area it is in is already badly in need of additional traffic controls (left turns out of Papa T's/Village Spirts/NAPA plaza, Dunkin' Donut, etc., are very difficult at times), so this light may help alleviate some of the turning motions of vehicles from these other businesses. Again, only a traffic study will tell the impact, especially to Cider Mill Road.
Beyond the traffic, the town will have to plow an additional road. As proposed, this road adds less a quarter mile to the 134 miles the town already cares for. The impact will be minimal.
Water: The water supply to this property is provided by Connecticut Water Company and is well-capable of handling the anticipated load.
Sewer: One advantage of this location is that it is one of the very few locations in town with sewer service. Sewer analysis would be done by an engineer and the town. It is likely that the developer will need to install a pump station on the property, but otherwise the sewer capacity is expected to be adequate.
Police: Obrinsky and Stein state that there are few studies addressing the relationship of apartment complex crime rates to overall crime rates, but cite two studies that find no differences between the two. Public Safety has already been involved in the discussion and believes that no additional personnel will be required, though the developer has offered a State Trooper sub-station in the development for convenience.
Fire: These buildings will be required to be protected by sprinklers and Tolland's 105' aerial truck in the station on Merrow Road is capable of protecting the taller buildings in this development. These buildings will also benefit from the latest fire code-compliant construction techniques and materials to provide the highest levels of occupant safety.
Will our schools become overcrowded again?
Highly unlikely. See the question relating to impact to town services.
Will crime in Tolland increase as a result of this proposed development?
A Trooper sub-station (a satellite office) has been proposed, but no additional personnel will be required.
How will this proposed development affect the rural character of Tolland?
The buildings will be situated on less than 20 acres of land which is less than 0.07% of the total area of Tolland. If Tolland were the size of a football field, the development would be about the size of a full-sized bedsheet.
If you're driving north on Merrow Road from the Interstate, you'll be able to see the buildings. The tops of some will be two to three stories higher than Merrow Road. They will, however, look like New England-style buildings with siding, dormered windows, etc. Next to the façade of The Electric Blue and the canopies of the twin gas stations, these will provide a nice transition to the Tolland Green as envisioned by the Town.
Will Tolland become overdeveloped like some residents feel Manchester or Vernon is? Why or why not?
No, it won't. Tolland is unique compared to Manchester and Vernon in that it has very little land (less than a square mile) which allows commercial and residential development of this sort. If Tolland were the size of a football field, the total area for this sort of development would be a stripe across the field about two yards wide at the 50-yard line. If you look at a map of Tolland, the only areas where this scale of development are allowed are quite small compared to the other 39.5 square miles that give Tolland its rural feel.
Will this proposed development affect the Tolland Green and its historical buildings?
It depends on your definition of "affect." If you mean, "Will you see these buildings before you drive up the hill to the Tolland Green?" then, Yes, it will. If you mean, "Will this development cause the Tolland Green harm?" then it's highly unlikely that it will harm the Green and its buildings.
Will affordable housing be required as part of the project?
Yes. By regulation, any development in the TVA requires an affordable housing component. The developer is asking for the 12% minimum to reduce the number of apartments required to make the project fiscally viable.
What's the deal with the zoning changes? Is that the same thing as an application?
The developer has applied to make changes to the TVA zoning so that taller buildings (five stories) can be built closer to Merrow Road, and some other changes, including allowing a drive-through establishment. So, yes, this is an application, but it isn't an application for a development.
If the Planning and Zoning Commission (PZC) approves the zoning changes, does that mean that the development is a "done deal?"
In fact, it's quite far from a done deal because the next step is even more intense than the first: the developer must apply to actually build the development, and the PZC can reject the application based on quite a list of reasons. The list includes architecture, conformity with town goals, traffic, pedestrians, interconnection, parking, environmental factors, etc. And the town will investigate, at developer's expense, all of the negative and positive impacts the development will have on the town.
If the PZC is satisfied that the application meets the requirements of the regulations and will not negatively impact the town will it allow the developer to build.
How do we find out if the development will have negative impacts on the town, like traffic, environment, etc.?
As part of the application process, the developer must pay for the Town to hire experts to evaluate these factors--and the Town gets to select the experts, even though the developer is paying the bills.
However, the Town will never know what the impacts might be unless the PZC approves the zoning changes because neither the Town nor the developer will pay for these experts without an active application.
If the Planning and Zoning Commission (PZC) approves the zone changes this developer has requested, does that mean that these changes affect the other side of Merrow Road, behind the Dunkin' Donuts and Gulf station?
Yes, but the PZC can reject the application for the same reasons as for any other development, including architecture, conformity with town goals, traffic, pedestrians, interconnection, parking, environmental factors, etc.
Why can't Tolland build out the retail elements of the project to add amenities to town without doing the hotel and apartments?
Well, Tolland itself can't do anything--we're a town and not a developer. Otherwise, the Town's zoning regulations encourage mixed uses, so the retail would have to be mixed with residential.
Who can a Tolland resident contact with additional questions on the project?
Heidi Samokar is Tolland's Director of Planning and Community Development/Zoning Officer. She can be reached by phone at (860) 871-3601.
Mark De Pecol, the developer who is interested in developing the site, is available by E-mail email@example.com and phone 203-770-2159.
Both welcome your comments, both of support and opposition, and your questions.
Who wrote these FAQs?
The questions were compiled by Andrew Levesque (interested town resident) and answered by Bill Eccles (Vice-Chairman, Town Council), Kevin Bouley (Vice-Chairman, Economic Development Commission), and Greg Williams (Chairman, Economic Development Commission). While three of us participate in town government, this work is independent and is not an official document of the Town of Tolland or NE Real Estate. Answers were verified by NE Real Estate (Mark De Pecol) and the Town of Tolland (Heidi Samokar) to the greatest extent possible and are accurate to the best of our knowledge based on information available at the time.
 Obrinsky, Mark and Stein, Debra, "Overcoming Opposition to Multifamily Rental Housing," Joint Center for Housing Studies of Harvard University, 2007.
If you never thought that something as simple as a drawer needed an End User License Agreement, well, you’d be wrong.
We have a broken drawer at work. Somebody (ahem, cough) put up a EULA in place of the hand-scribbled “CAUTION” sign. Here it is:
and here’s what it says:
BEFORE USING THIS DRAWER, YOU MUST READ AND ACCEPT THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS. PLEASE READ THEM CAREFULLY.
End User License Agreement
By using this drawer, you accept the terms and conditions of the following license. Please read these terms and conditions carefully. If you do not accept these terms and conditions, you may use a plastic utensil from another cabinet.
DEFINITIONS: Throughout this license agreement, we will refer to Bloomy Controls, Inc., an incorporated company of Windsor, Connecticut, as “we” and “us.” We will refer to the end user of this drawer as “you” and “user.” We will refer to the drawer as “drawer” or “cabinetry.”
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: By using this drawer, you agree to hold harmless and indemnify us, Bloomy Controls, Inc., from all damages, liabilities, suffering, pain, torture, and/or spasms caused by intense laughter upon reading these terms and conditions or by using this cabinetry. You furthermore agree to be very careful, because those are some sharp stinkin’ staples over there. I mean, seriously! You could really hurt yourself on one of them. It is interesting to note that staples would have never been used in cabinetry of yesteryear. They’d have been dovetailed and would be just about indestructible. By “yesteryear,” we mean something like 1930 and not 1980, because even though 1980 was fairly long time ago—probably before most of you “users” were even born—particle board and staples were already in widespread use. Maybe your parents weren’t even born yet. Hard to know, really. This is, after all, an End User License Agreement and not a crystal ball. Anyway, we digress.
If you accept these terms and conditions, you may use this drawer on exactly one kitchen counter. You may not possess, reverse engineer, disassemble, or reinstall the drawer on any other kitchen counter. This license does allow you to fix the drawer if you are properly qualified to do so. If you are not properly qualified to do so, good. You weren’t hired to be a carpenter. But if you are properly qualified to do so, then please don’t spend your time fixing it—go program or write software or engineer stuff or be accountants and administrators and stuff. But enjoy your lunch. Carefully. Please.
(x) By eating my lunch and enjoying it, I accept these terms and conditions.
I think the biggest problem (OK, a biggest problem, because, why not?) is labels. I’m conservative. You’re Liberal. I’m black. You’re White. When labeling progresses from lower-case adjectives to upper-case adjectives, we lose our ability to be more complex in the minds of others. We lose the nuances associated with our character and get lumped in with all the Other People of That Group. As a result, the Politicians go nuts, the Media fan the flames, and We the People all get consumed by the Internet as if we were nothing but cookie cutter examples of People of That Group.
I’m a very complicated person, and you are, too.
So don’t hesitate to read a Liberal’s liberal opinion or a Conservative’s conservative opinion or a Hater’s racist opinion or a Hippie’s pot-enhanced opinion and give it some thought. It will hurt. It will offend. It will stretch your mind. It may reinforce your own position as a People of That Group. Or it may not. But you’ll never know if you don’t try.
As you encounter these diverse opinions, stop labeling the people whose opinions they are. They are no more a one-facet person of That Group than you are of This Group. Stop assuming that Christians all do this or that Athiests all do that. And even though I know you’ll all go to hell (do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to hell) and you’re all sure I’m a right-wing Bible-thumping Neanderthal, I will hear your position as a People of That Group and I will respect you for trying to change my mind, as you should respect me for trying to change yours. Don’t be offended when I express my opinion, and I’ll not be offended when you express yours. Or be offended. That’s OK, too.
Disagree. Argue. Discuss. Try to change my mind—proselytize. Let’s do this. Respect those who believe in their cause enough to do so, because in this day and age of Instanity (the craziness of instancy) having an opinion and being willing to express it, especially if it rows against the tide of Label-Fed Opinion, is suicidal, heretical, career-ending. It’s risky stuff.
But don’t cry and scream “Hater!” or “Christian!” or “Hippie!” or “Label!” because you don’t succeed in changing the mind of the hater, the zealot, the other human. The moment you label, you just lost the argument, just like turning the board over when the game’s not going your way, and you just lost the respect of the Person of the Other Group and pushed them further into the Other Group—right where you want them so you can yell and scream at them some more. Once you fall into this level of “discourse,” it’s a vicious circle, you see. It only gets worse from here. And your opinion, no matter how important in the cause of The Group, was instantly discounted and put out to the mental curb with yesterday’s grass clippings (though, really, shouldn’t you be composting?).
You’re just adding to the noise.
So much noise. Such little content.
I’m lookin’ straight at you, media talking heads, Internet celebrities, church leaders, loud-mouthed and quiet-mouthed, scripted and unscripted politicians alike, and even justices of the highest court of the land.
I’m lookin’ at you, Internet commenter.
And I’m lookin’ in the mirror, right back at me, too.
Stop it with the Labels. Enough is enough.
The title says it all—and I finally agree with something that our governor has done.
Full story here.
Fellow Residents of Tolland,
By now you’re aware that the mill rate increase required to support Tolland’s residents is 2.31. By now you’re aware that the value of nine of ten properties in Tolland fell by as much as 10%. And by now you’re aware that even as property values have fallen, the town budget is increasing.
Many of you are asking, “Why are we spending more? Shouldn’t we minimize spending?”
The answer of a responsible government to that last question should always be “Yes.” A responsible government should spend as little as possible to deliver the services that its constituents want and need.
But our community can’t have the services that we want, the level of education that our children need, or the property values that we desire if the town spends less than the appropriate amount to make these things a reality. In fact, sometimes we have to spend a little more, as this year’s minimal budget increase demonstrates.
Part of this minimal increase reflects the continuing rise in costs we face year in, year out. Contracted salaries, insurance costs, raw materials and equipment costs all increase like clockwork. And though we have not added any new services in this budget, our legislature and governor seem determined to shift as much tax burden to towns as they can through unfunded mandates. Changing the attitude in Hartford seems to be the only way to reverse this trend.
Meanwhile, the Board of Education and Superintendent have made sensible cuts wherever possible, increasing spending only to make long-overdue improvements and to address new mandates. They must maintain the level of service that our community expects and which the law requires. They’ve made the difficult decision to cut fifteen staff positions, including ten teachers. In any case, an amazing 94% of the Board’s budget is essentially outside their control.
And we certainly want higher property values; Tolland’s Grand List decline accounts for over half the mill rate increase. Even though 20,000 people left the state last year, two moving companies reported that they relocated over 2,300 households into Connecticut. We may not be able to reverse the outflow of businesses from Connecticut, but we are trying to make Tolland attractive to those who are already in Connecticut or want to move here. We can’t do that by slashing and burning Tolland’s services.
Maintaining Tolland’s services and our property values is why I’ll vote “Yes” on May 5.
Resident, Neighbor, Councilman
If you’re a Mac OS X Server guru and you happen to be hard at work on a recalcitrant OS X Server which is refusing to serve up the Internet to your anxious client, and you happen to use your mobile device—any mobile device—to Google something about OS X Server, you won’t find results for my site at the top of your list. And that’s the way Google wants it.
I got a legitimate (as far as I can tell) E-mail from teh Goog this morning telling me that my site isn’t optimized for mobile and that teh Goog will, as a result, push results from my site down lower on the results list. Here’s the relevant portion (highlighting is mine):
So as you surf the Googles on your mobile browser, keep in mind that Google would prefer you see mobile-friendly results over correct results. I’m not complaining because my site isn’t mobile friendly and might be lower in the list. (I really don’t care.) What I’m complaining about is that I’d rather have correct and relevant information over incorrect and pretty results any day.
Especially when I’m Googling something like “how do I help a choking victim” or “what areas of town do I really want to avoid” or other things where a pretty, but wrong, answer might be a really bad idea.
Amazon recently raised their free shipping threshold to $35, and that leaves me searching for items between $1 and $10 to pad an Amazon.com order with. A recent gift of Darn Tough Vermont socks has turned this hunt into a no-brainer.
Instead of a useless 5-lb. bag of rubber bands, why not pad your Amazon order with some Darn Tough Vermont Socks? Reasonably-priced, guaranteed forever, and OHMYGOSH! the colors…
See how easy that is?
Be sure to choose socks which are eligible for free shipping, or you don’t do yourself any favors.
Seriously, the hype is so ridiculous these days that it’s just better to remember that AAPL is, just like every stock on the market, gambling.
Hmm. NFC, after all.
(Sorry for the bombastic headline.)
I’m surprised that Googling the new Apple store in South Windsor, CT, hasn’t turned up any pictures. So, here’s one photo I took.
It’s a bad photo.
But it’s pretty clearly an Apple Store. Kinda’ hard to mistake that characteristic, no matter how bad the picture.
Note how Apple got its trade dress on the façade of the store, even though this is Evergreen Walk (said with very distinct, highfalutin’ accent, of course).
Xserve is long dead.
Mac OS X Server is an app, not a standalone product anymore, and is a shadow of its former self.
So it would not surprise me if this announcement is the first step towards a partnership which could supply both iOS and Mac OS-friendly “big iron” server technologies for enterprise, an area which Apple clearly has no interest in pursuing.
And with one fell swoop, we know that Mac OS X 10.9’s successor is not Mac OS X 10.something, but is Mac OS X Yosemite.
(Or so I think. Other websites are reporting it as 10.10, though I haven’t heard that mentioned yet.)
I’m not impressed with Mavericks Server or Yosemite server, either, for that matter. First, Apple has moved all of the standard binaries and settings from their usual homes into the Server.app bundle and into /Library. While this certainly lines up better with the Apple “way,” it makes it a royal pain in the butt for those of us who have half a clue and know their way around a LAMP (or MAMP) system.
I decided to update our server from an Xserve to a mini about three months ago. The new mini arrived, and I thought, “This should be ‘Apple simple,’” and tried to migrate. It was a disaster, mitigated only by the fact that I had a backup of the original system—somewhere in the migration process, files on the original server get mangled. This shouldn’t be, of course, but…
I tried various methods of upgrading and none were successful. Open Directory gave me fits, and I spent hours trying all sorts of things, none of which were successful. So today, I decided to go nuclear: start from scratch on the new server. That way, nothing could go wrong.
Since Open Directory gave me many fits, and since I knew OD is somewhat finicky about DNS entries, I decided I’d start with the basics.
Setting the Hostname
What is the name of my host? Well, Apple, in their infinite wisdom, asked my DNS to tell what the host name is, instead of asking me. So the host name was wrong because it was based on an outdated entry in the upstream DNS. So the self-signed certificate had the wrong data, too. To fix this, I changed the upstream DNS name, deleted Server, deleted /Library/Server/, and rebooted. I then reinstalled Server.app and this time the server name and self-signed certificate data were correct.
As it turns out, I could have used Server.app to change the name and the self-signed certificate would have been regenerated. But I found that out too late.
Server.app Pro Tip: When changing hostnames, Server.app will generate a new self-signed certificate.
Setting Up DNS
Next step: DNS. This should be simple. I should just be able to import a zone file, but, alas, unless I migrated the server, nope. I thought about just typing in all the hosts and whatnot, but what a pain in the rear that would be. Also, you can’t use wildcards in hostnames. So instead, I turned on DNS, set the forwarders to 127.0.0.1 and the upstream servers, and looked at the files in /Library/Server/named.
Complaint: There’s no way to reorder the forwarding servers in Server.app, without retyping the whole list.
Complaint: You can’t type in an asterisk (wildcard) when editing a host name. So aliases like “*.eccles.net” can’t be used without manually editing the hosts file. Still true in Yosemite.
Complaint: Manually-entered wildcards get deleted from the hosts file if you edit the zone with Server.app.
Server.app Pro Tip: Editing zone files is possible, but any changes made in Server.app will overwrite most (if not all) edits.
Now for Open Directory
OK, now that my server knows who it is, it’s time to turn on Open Directory. A few clicks and that was done. I now had a fresh Open Directory master running. Now let’s import some users. (Since I never really monkeyed around with OD in any other version of Server, a plain vanilla OD Master is fine for me here.)
Server.app Pro Tip: Set the Directory Administrator user to diradmin and set the password to be the same as the server administrator password. If you’re like me, you’ll stand a much better chance of remembering these credentials that way.
I exported the users from my 10.6 server (select the users in Workgroup Manager, then use some other command which I can’t remember) and tried to import them using 10.9.
Server.app Pro Tip: Importing users is not found in the “Users” pane in the “gear.” (Why not?) Instead, it’s here:
in the Manage menu. Server.app kept griping about my username and password. My question is, What username and password? The dialog says “Admin Name” and “Password” but doesn’t give a clue which thing it is I’m trying to authenticate into. I assumed it was the server, and several times, I was wrong. I then decided it might be the OD server that I’m trying to authenticate into, and that turned out to be right.
Complaint: Server.app could use a better prompt than “Admin Name”. How about “Open Directory Server Administrator Name”? It’s long, yes, but it’s better to try to fit that into the window than frustrate the user, don’t you think?
Complaint: If that’s too long to fit, how about improving the error message? “Credentials could not be verified. Username or password is invalid” could just as easily say, “Open Directory server credentials…” to save me a few tries and Googling.
Server.app Pro Tip: This dialog:
is asking for the Open Directory administrator username and password (which you just created—see above).
While the import was a success, it left me with questions. First, I have several users with more than one shortname (most, in fact). What happened to these additional shortnames? And what do I do with the blank “E-mail address” box in each user’s information? Does something go there? Does something have to go there? What’s up with that? Let’s tackle each one of these separately.
About those multiple shortnames: It turns out that they are, indeed, imported into the new Open Directory server, but only the first (primary) shortname is displayed. I verified this by making test SMTP sessions and watching the SMTP logs. Messages to all of a user’s shortnames were successfully delivered. Yosemite note: not true anymore. See below.
Managing these shortnames is tricky, though, and can probably be accomplished with a command line tool of some sort, though I was unable to figure out how to do it. (I gave up after ten minutes of Googling.) I stumbled upon an Apple support page which describes how to edit Open Directory records with Directory Editor.
“Directory Edi… wha…? you’re saying, I’m sure. Yes, one of the older apps hidden away from most users is Directory Utility, which I never use other than to enable root user. So what’s changed to make it useful? It has a new pane called “Directory Editor” which allows Open Directory directories to be edited. (Clever name.)
You can find Directory Utility using the Apple-given instructions at the link above, or you can…
Server.app Pro Tip: Make an alias to /System/Library/CoreServices/Directory Utility and stick it in your dock.
In DU, you can edit everything about an OD entry (hence the reason it’s probably hidden from most users’ attention). Since the server is local (it’s on the same machine), authenticate into the node at “/LDAPv3/127.0.0.1”, as shown below:
Each user will have a RecordName which will correspond to the primary shortname. If you have any users with multiple shortnames, you’ll see that they have more than one RecordName. If you want to add another shortname, you can do so with the “+” button out to the right of RecordName, as shown below:
Server.app Pro Tip: Multiple user shortnames can be added, edited and deleted in Directory Utility. But this isn’t really useful in Yosemite.
How about that “Email Address” field in Server.app? What does it do?
I have no idea. [Though it turns out to be useful in Yosemite.]
When a user is created, it suggests the E-mail address based on the user’s shortname. If you change it to be different from the suggested address, it does end up being reflected in the OD entry, but PostFix (the mail server) has no idea what to do with it. E-mails addressed to the different address will bounce. E-mails addressed to firstname.lastname@example.org will be delivered.
Server.app Pro Tip: Leaving the E-mail address field in a user record blank is OK. Except in Yosemite, that is.
Yosemite update: I upgraded from Mavericks to Yosemite. It now ignores the multiple shortnames specified in Directory Utility (see above). For example, my primary E-mail address might be email@example.com and I might have an alternate shortname, firstname.lastname@example.org specified in DU. In Mavericks, I had to add the bill.eccles shortname manually using DU, per the above. I could successfully receive E-mail to either address. The E-mail address field meant nothing.
However, when I updated to Yosemite, PostFix doesn’t have any idea about these other shortnames/addresses anymore, even though they do show in Directory Editor. Panic ensues when incoming mail to these alternate shortnames bounces. This problem is reasonably-easily fixed by adding them to the users in the User editor in Server.app. But if you’re confused because the “+” button is grayed out for the user you’re trying to edit, it’s because you’re not authenticated into the appropriate directory node.
At the top of the list of users, you’ll need to filter to show only the “Local Network Users.” Then you’ll be able to double-click and edit a user. The “+” sign will be enabled for adding more E-mail addresses to the user. This has the same effect as editing the “EmailAddress” for the user in Directory Utility and does not effect the “RecordName” list. It might be a good idea to go back and remove the extra shortnames in the “RecordName” list, but I don’t know. And I haven’t done that yet, either.
About Users’ Passwords
Passwords are lost in the export/import process. It seems that it should be possible to find the various hashes in the older version of the server using mkpassdb, but I can’t find enough corresponding entries to know that I’d make the new server totally happy. The next question is how to handle passwords, since my users use the server only for mail (via IMAP or POP) and won’t have OS X’s native password changing dialogs.
It turns out that there’s a reasonably easy way to handle that, too. If I turn on the default SSL website (in the Website pane, naturally), I have the option to let users change their passwords. I tested this path, and it works well. But because my users come from outside the local network and have to traverse my firewall (which means all port 80 or port 443 access can be directed to one machine only), I have to either (a) migrate all the web services from the old server to the new or (b) set up a special port for accessing this server for password changes. I’ve chosen this latter method in order to make accessing the password change page more difficult. There is no way to change the default server port number, so this change will be done entirely at the firewall, redirecting port N to port 443.
Moving Mail Services
Mail services are somewhat tricky, but now that you have your users moved over, you can pretty easily move the mail to follow them.
First, turn off mail services on both the new and old servers using the Server.app. Then, we have to move the data from machine to machine.
Mail data exists in two places. There’s the Postfix SMTP spool files (mail which is in the process of being delivered) and the Dovecot IMAP spool files (mail which has been delivered to the users’ mailboxes).
First, get the SMTP files from the old server:
sudo tar cf smtp.tar /var/spool/postfix
(ignore the warnings about tar format cannot archive this (type=0140000): Inappropriate file type or format These are sockets and won’t archive, nor would you want them to.)
Get the mailboxes:
sudo tar cf mail.tar /var/spool/imap/dovecot/mail/
Copy them to the new machine somehow, e.g.:
scp smtp.tar email@example.com:~/smtp.tar scp mail.tar firstname.lastname@example.org:~/mail.tar
Now put them where they belong.
Most likely, you already have mail directories where they belong, but they need to be cleaned out to prepare for new data. So here we’ll delete the mail data directory (i.e., clean it out… permanently!) and repopulate it with the mail from the original server:
sudo rm -R /Library/Server/Mail/Data/mail mkdir -p /Library/Server/Mail/Data/mail cd /Library/Server/Mail/Data/mail sudo tar xf ~/mail.tar --strip-components=5 cd .. sudo chown -R _dovecot:mail mail
Then we’ll make the spool directory (if it isn’t there already) and populate it with the spool data from the original server:
sudo mkdir -p -m 755 /Library/Server/Mail/Data/spool cd /Library/Server/Mail/Data/spool/ sudo tar xf ~/smtp.tar --strip-components=3
I think this all I did, but you may have to jigger your permissions and ownership so it looks like this:
home:spool admin$ ls -la total 0 drwxr-xr-x 16 root wheel 544 May 26 2014 . drwxr-xr-x 13 root wheel 442 Aug 10 12:17 .. drwx------ 2 _postfix wheel 68 Jan 2 19:15 active drwx------ 2 _postfix wheel 68 Dec 8 08:00 bounce drwx------ 2 _postfix wheel 68 Feb 19 2010 corrupt drwx------ 18 _postfix wheel 612 Aug 10 12:33 defer drwx------ 18 _postfix wheel 612 Aug 10 12:33 deferred drwx------ 3 _postfix wheel 102 Dec 2 13:55 flush drwx------ 2 _postfix wheel 68 Feb 19 2010 hold drwx------ 2 _postfix wheel 68 Jan 2 19:15 incoming drwx-wx--- 2 _postfix _postdrop 68 Aug 8 02:01 maildrop drwxr-xr-x 24 root wheel 816 Aug 10 13:19 pid drwx------ 27 _postfix wheel 918 Jan 1 14:01 private drwx--x--- 7 _postfix _postdrop 238 Jan 1 14:01 public drwx------ 2 _postfix wheel 68 Feb 19 2010 saved drwx------ 2 _postfix wheel 68 Dec 31 21:59 trace home:spool admin$
So what’s next? PHP, web services, and other things… but that will have to wait until a future article. This one’s already long enough.
A few people have asked why a tax increase of 2.849% is required for a budget increase of 2.59%, saying that it just doesn’t make sense. On the surface of the problem, it certainly doesn’t! Here’s a quick explanation which I hope helps make sense of these two different numbers.
For purposes of discussion, let’s assume that our town budget was $100 last year, and that we need $105 this year. That’s a 5% increase in the budget. If we had to raise all of that money ourselves through taxes, the tax increase would be 5%, too.
But some of that $100 comes from the state government. Let’s say the state contributed $50 of that budget last year, leaving the town to raise only $50. Now let’s say that the state will contribute the same amount this year, $50, leaving us to raise $55. Last year, we only had to raise $50. This year, we have to raise $55. Year over year, that’s a 10% increase in taxes.
So a 10% tax increase is required even though the budget only went up 5%, and that shows how the two numbers can be different.
In real life, we have the same thing going on, but with different numbers. This year’s budget is about $53 million, an increase of 2.57% over last year. About $13 million of our budget comes from the state, so last year we needed $39 million in taxes. This year, the state is giving us the same amount, about $13 million, so we’re left to raise just over $40 million in taxes. The difference between last year, ≈$39 million, and this year, ≈$40 million, is about 3.28%.
If the grand list were kept just as it is, the tax rate would be going up by 3.28%. But there are adjustments to the grand list year-over-year, too, and these adjustments reduce the amount to 2.849%, which is different from the budget increase of 2.57%.
No mystery, just math.
Want to know my position on this budget? I support it. Read why here.
(All of these numbers can be found in the Town’s 2014-2015 budget, which can be viewed here.)
Last week, the Tolland Town Council approved our 2014-2015 budget by a vote of 6-1. Now it’s up to Tolland’s voters to decide if it’s the right budget for us. As I said that night, I am suitably impressed with the process used this year to arrive at our budget, and I am fully in support of it.
So… why? After all, it contains a 2.849% increase in taxes, and any increase in taxes is bad. Even I have to agree with that.
But the big, hairy problem is that all costs are rising. I’m sure you’ve felt the squeeze at the pumps and in the checkout lines, with each paycheck and its increased insurance premiums—in just about every facet of life, you’re paying more for the same. (Or even for less.)
The town has felt the squeeze, too, and since the crash of 2008, previous Town Councils have been doing their best to keep tax increases to the absolute, barest of minima, in the hopes that things would get better. While the average tax increase over the past five years has been only about 0.5% per year, consumer prices have been increasing by 1.6% per year. You can see where this might be a problem.
In order to keep costs low, or at least constant, past councils have done some superb work in controlling costs. But they’ve had to delay maintenances, cut town staff (by nearly 10%!) and basically bet that the economy would recover in a meaningful way sooner than later. When, or if, the economy made its recovery, the Town could catch up on these things.
Unfortunately, six years later, while the rest of the nation seems to be in a minor recovery at best, Connecticut isn’t making much, if any, progress at all, and these delays cannot be tolerated anymore. We have no choice at this point but to respond to the needs of the schools and the town. New mandates from the state and federal governments are squeezing us even more, there are few savings left to be found, and things are beginning to crack—if they’re not broken already.
Simply: we have no choice but to increase the budgets of both the town and the school system.
In order to increase these budgets, income must increase, and income and outflows must balance. In a normal economy, property values increase, tax revenue increases, and there’s enough income to cover the increasing expenses of the town and school system. This year? Not so much. Our property values are flat, there have been few increases in the grand list, and yet prices rise all the same. We’re in between the proverbial rock and hard place, and the result is a requirement to increase taxes.
So, if a tax increase is necessary, how much do we increase them by? Do we increase them the smallest amount possible, straining every resource in town to do more with less, possibly breaking things which are expensive to fix later on? Do we increase them substantially so that everything which is stretched gets put back on an even keel? Or do we increase them somewhere in between, looking for a reasonable increase which addresses some of the needs and gets us back on a course to health?
It’s this last alternative that the Board of Education, the Town Manager, and indeed the Town Council have chosen, for better or worse, because there is a lot that needs to be done in town.
Our equipment isn’t going to fix itself, the salt we consumed during these last two harsh winters won’t restock itself, the departments which are stretched to the max will not be able to sustain this pace, and fuel won’t magically appear to fill the tanks of the trucks and cars this town needs to continue operations. Our schools won’t meet the curricular needs of our children, their safety and welfare will not be increased in any meaningful way, and we will not provide for the activities and support these children need to get the best start in life that we can provide for them as a town. None of this will happen without this budget and the tax increase it comes with.
And that’s why we… no, that’s why I voted in support of this budget.
On particular matters within the budget, there really were only two contentious issues, and that’s an amazingly low number and is a breath of fresh air to those who have been involved in town government for the past decade.
The first contentious issue is all-day kindergarten, and the superintendent found a way to fund that within the budget presented to the Town Council. For those who are angry, as I was, that he found this money after the budget was already submitted and feel that the budget should have been lowered to the promised “level services” level, I remind you that the Town Council asks our town manager to do the same thing, year after year: find us a way to fund X, even though it’s not in the already-approved budget. On the Superintendent’s priorities of all-day kindergarten and reducing the pay-to-play costs, I can’t comment—it’s not my area of expertise, and efforts to enlighten me by both sides of the argument have proven that the old adage about statistics holds true.
The second contentious issue is funding a School Resource Officer (SRO). I’m very much in support of this expense. As to its necessity, I can only point to the anecdotal evidence offered by the Town Manager and social services staff who say that it’s a good and necessary program. It is also my understanding—and I may be wrong—that the Superintendent’s priorities have included an SRO for many years and that, though there may be higher priorities on each of the school principals’ lists, an SRO has been quite a high priority for the principals in years past, too. Here, I also trust that when the Town Manager and the Superintendent, not necessarily two people who agree on much, agree on a priority and a way to fund it, it’s better than a good idea. Finally, we have an opportunity to bring a resource to our community which, if we do not do so now, we will not be able to do so for several years. The State Police, which is in my opinion the most cost-effective and reasonable way to have SRO services for Tolland, face a manpower shortage and we’d be on the bottom of the list for an SRO when we do decide we need one. On the other hand, if the SRO doesn’t work out to be as valuable as indicated, the position can be cut. We have very little to lose here.
Could the SRO money be spent on technology which, as I’ve heard firsthand from my kids, is ancient (at best)? Yes, it could be. But I also understand that there is a plan to upgrade it in an orderly fashion. Given that the curriculum is in an incredible state of flux right now, I can’t see that dumping money into technology without aligning the purchase with the curriculum change makes much sense. It would solve a problem right now, certainly, but I’m more in favor of solving a problem long term. We’ve had too many years of short-term thinking in this town driven by short election cycles, and we cannot afford short-sighted thinking anymore. There’s a plan for technology in place, and though it will need to be changed, derailing it is not my idea of wise spending.
So there you have my thoughts on this year’s budget and why I support it. Though I know it’s not perfect, I think this budget is exceptional not only for the process by which it was created, with development of consensus early in the process, but also because it represents an excellent mix of restraint and utility. Should you vote in support of it on May 6th? I think you should.
Two winters ago, but still relevant today.
To those of you who, as Mr. Wilson puts it, are looking at 2014 balefully, I recommend reading his entry of a few days ago, The West Is Dead. Long Live the West. He quotes The Everlasting Man (G.K. Chesterton, 1925) which forms a substantial portion of his thesis:
“Christendom has had a series of revolutions and in each one of them Christianity has died. Christianity has died many times and risen again; for it had a God who knew the way out of the grave.”
Alone, this is enough for hope in the future. With the added encouragement of Mr. Wilson, I wish you a happy new year!
A friend posted pictures of his sons playing with their Nintendos at their dining room table. It looked like they were in prayer, so I hacked this together:
Our Nintendo, which art on the table,
Hallowed by thy games.
My high score is won, my brother’s be none,
On Mario Kart as it is on Super Mario.
Give us this day our daily cheat code,
Up up down down left right left right B A,
As we forgive those who use it against us.
And lead us not into Bowser’s Castle,
But deliver stuff from Amazon.
For mine is the Mario, the power up and the Luigi,
For Yoshi and Birdo,
Next up: “Hail Mario, full of grease…”